Dutch CalvinismPosted: March 9, 2009
(Disclaimer: These are to be taken as humor to my dear brothers, and not as a slam.)
You might be a Dutch-Calvinist if… you…
1. Don’t own or watch TV
2. Don’t attend Movie Theaters
3. Don’t have a DVD Player
4. Don’t have the internet
5. Don’t listen to any form of Rock Music
6. Always wear a head covering
7. Don’t work for an Union
You might be a Dutch Calvinist if…
* You finish the food on your plate in a restaurant even though it is burnt or otherwise unsuitable for human consumption.
* You reused plastic margarine containers long before anyone heard of the environmental movement.
* You have a two-volume address book. Volume I: A-U Volume II: V-Z.
* You have never skipped church to watch the Superbowl.
* Your main contribution in increased gender equality was to switch from KING to Wilhelmina brand peppermints.
* Your range of restaurant choice is restricted to the contents of a “Buy One Meal, Get One Free” coupon book that you bought to support missionaries in Sierra Leone.
* You wipe the last of the butter out of the container with your roll.
* Your mother’s hairdo is the same at your wedding as it was at hers.
* Your closet is divided into work clothes and Sunday clothes.
*If you have several coupons that are good for “one customer only”, you will send all 10 members of your family through different aisles at the grocery store so you can get 10X the bargains.
* Your church attendance record is not interrupted by childbirth.
* Your Sunday routine resembles this: Church, coffee, roast beef, green beans, a nap, and Church.
* You have a front room but never sit in it.
* You make the bed in a hotel room.
* The last tip you left in a restaurant was “Don’t wear so much makeup” and “A little quicker with the coffee.”
* You have always been to church on New Years Eve.
* You can sing “eere zij God” even though you can’t speak Dutch.
* You think that being progressive means discarding the Psalter Hymnal in favor of the Steve Green songs on the overhead.
* Seeing hands in the air during worship causes you to look around for a stickup man.
* You are still trying to justify owning a dishwasher.
* On summer vacation you couldn’t swim, only wading up to your knees was allowed.
* At your wedding, everyone was swaying, but no one was dancing.
* You have attended worship services at a campground amphitheater.
* You know what an afghan is.
* Your two permanent Saturday jobs are to wash the car and make sure you have enough single bills for the offering plate.
* All of your recipes are adapted to fit into a 9X13 pan.
* You can’t imagine a funeral reception without ham on buns.
* The Usher never has to ask you where you want to sit.